From Helper to Partner: How Dads Find Their Role in Birth

Every family looks a little different. In this piece, I use the words “mom” and “dad,” but what I share applies more broadly.

“That wasn’t so bad. It was actually beautiful. More peaceful than I thought,” one of the dads said as we finished watching a homebirth video of a first-time mom. We were at the end of our first group session. Earlier we all shared what came to mind at the word birth, and he laughed apologetically, “Blood, bright lights, and screaming. I’m just afraid I may faint or get sick.”

He wasn’t sick and he looked more at ease. The transformation was beginning. I know this transformation well because I’ve seen it many times in partners. A transformation from an uncertain helper to a true partner.   

I noticed that expecting moms usually have a vision for their birth. Dancing with their partner, birthing in a tub, seeing their baby born in just a few pushes, hearing music, or feeling the presence of departed loved ones invisibly present. All as unique as these mamas. But their partners’ visions sound so alike that sometimes all I get is “right, same here”. “I just want her and the baby to be safe.” “I want her to be happy.” “I want what she wants.” They are ready to support, but are not quite sure how they fit in. It’s like—what exactly is my role in all this?

Along with this uncertainty, there can be fear of something going wrong, not knowing what to do, or seeing mom in pain and not being able to fix it. As partners come to appreciate the innate capabilities of their birthing partners’ bodies and realize how much they can contribute during labor, that fear loses its grip surprisingly quickly.

I’ve learned that practicing being a parent also boosts connection and confidence. Here's a quick practice partners may like.

Take a moment and think about the kind of parent you want to be. How do you want to guide this child? Take your time. See this. How would you sound, be, act, and feel as this parent? And then, speak to your baby, even if it's in your head. Tell them what you hope for them. Tell them what you love about their mom. Tell them what kind of life you want to share with them.

You can do this as often as you'd like. You may discover something new each time you explore this!